


Forgivefulness

by clk_boom



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Forgiveness, Gen, Kravitz helps with feelings, M/M, Minor Domestic, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Taako struggles with feelings, The road to hell is paved with good intent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-20 02:10:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14250828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clk_boom/pseuds/clk_boom
Summary: Taako doesn't know how to reconcile his memories, and gods, does he blame Lucretia. But should he? He feels like he is splitting in twos and fours and sixes and millions, but... Aren't they the same? Learning to heal is a bitch.





	Forgivefulness

Sometimes Taako still felt guilty for forgetting Lup. 

How could he ever  _ forget Lup _ ?

It kept him awake sometimes, and he felt like pulling at his hair. Bonds. It was all fucking bonds. He wasn’t the scientist though, he didn’t know; when you forgot someone, did that sever your bond? Did Lucretia just snip them apart, quick as a thought?

Everything had come back to him in a flood. Not like a normal memory, like noticing a brightening star against a darkening sunset, but like stepping into noon from a sealed darkroom. There had been, between the major life events and the overview of his last one hundred and ten years, no room for the smaller memories between that. And when they came, they came with the whole onslaught of days leading up to them and every moment from childhood to adulthood ever affected by that moment. That was the  _ fucking problem _ , Lucretia. The effects of the voidfish’s abilities hadn’t been studied that extensively. On the plane with the conservatories, well, jeez. Memories were either gone forever or returned instantly. They were of creations, and ones that had existed for anywhere between days and months. Not lifelong bonds and memories tied to hundreds of other moments and dozens of other lives and acquaintances. How was she to know the flashbacks, the trauma, the terrible, terrible event she had inflicted on them for the rest of their lives?

He had been trying for ages to come to terms with the truth that she was  _ not _ a villain. She was his family, too, and he  _ loved _ her, and she only did what she thought was necessary. But she erased his twin mother fucking sister. She erased Davenport. She erased Barry, and Magnus, and Merle.

And then he thought something that struck him sourly. It felt the way tartness tasted. It knotted up his guts into his diaphragm and he sobbed harder into his pillowcase, clutching the sheets so tightly he probably heard a rip.

Lucretia erased herself. Pop, poof, gone. He knew how she loved them all, and what it must have meant. Of course this did not absolve her. Taako accepted that if total forgiveness somehow came, it would be forever tempered with the pain she inflicted. Ignorance was not an excuse.

Kravitz… Helped, in his way. He was soft and understanding and patient. He was cool and grounding and strong, like a stiff breeze.  _ Stiff. _ Taako almost laughed.  _ Like a dead person? _ He didn’t, because it made him wonder why he was explaining his jokes to himself. He did stop crying, though. Taako grimaced into his pillow as the last few double breaths and hiccups worked their way out of his system, rather painfully. His ribs hurt. How long had he been like this? He let out one more tense, guttural roar despite the screaming in his intercostal muscles.

He wiped his face -- it didn’t do much; he was soaked from eyelid to collarbone -- and massaged his temples as he fought back the urge to break down again solely on the principle that he felt pathetic and weak.

Lup usually held him when he cried before, and told him it was nothing to be ashamed of. He knew that from his extra years.

What he really felt, he supposed, was vulnerable. And that was comfortable for exactly no bitch. Taako wasn’t a fan.

“Fuck me,” he rasped out. His eyes were so blurry he had trouble finding his center of gravity as he stood. He smelled coffee coming from outside. Bacon. Ren’s doing, he figured. Against his pride, he did his best at cleaning up his face, fixed his braid, fixed it again, hated it and took it out, and shuffled out into the kitchen.

Today was not a Taako-feeling-his-best day. Today was not a flashy, well-dressed Taako day. Today was a lucky-to-have-gotten-dressed day. His tunic was light and soft and he forewent boots. He looked like shit, and it was early.

“You ain’t lookin’ too great, Taako,” Ren said as he entered, trying not to stare. She didn’t know how to handle seeing her hero, the one who’d died a thousand times and returned, the one who saved her town, then the world, then the  _ multiverse _ reduced to… Well, he wasn’t a god. She knew that, she always had, but maybe some part of her kind of wanted him to be. Maybe gods cried, too.

“Funny, that happens when you suddenly remember being ripped apart limb-by-limb or exploded thirty times.” And, of course, there was the fact that he was even less personable during this. She would have thought he’d have wanted a friend. She admittedly didn’t understand these things. She’d been in Refuge way longer than he had, but she didn’t complain much, no sir. But this… it broke him on these days. Maybe he meant other explosions on alien worlds. It made her uncomfortable.

“Sorry, Taako. Anyway,” he liked it when she changed the subject like this. He didn’t have to explain himself anymore or focus on the problem. “I’ve had a few ideas lately, and wanted to pitch ‘em to you. And I’m makin’ Quiche Lorraine.” A smile threatened to wrench at the edges of Taako’s mouth.

“Don’t overcook the bacon.” Was all he said in response. Ren smiled and nodded. If he was in a mood enough to critique her cooking before it was even done, he was in a mood enough to survive.

“Oh, that little McDonald boy came by.” Jesus, it was like 7 AM. “I told him you were asleep. He said something about some offer you proposed about, a few months back, and he wanted to say he appreciated it but he’s decided to decline. He’s still comin’ over for dinner next Thursday, though.”

“Oh, good. No skin off Taako’s back,” Taako picked at one of the finished pieces of bacon draining on a plate next to the stove. Ren swatted at him halfheartedly but gave a chuckle. 

“Don’t lie, Taako, you love that kid.” She smiled warmly and took a neat envelope out of her apron pocket. “Oh. This is for you.” With a perplexed look he gingerly took the envelope. It had a good heft and was made of sturdy paper and was sealed with blue wax. The seal bore a deeply imprinted shape he couldn’t quite figure out. A leaf, or a flame, maybe an arrowhead?

“You’re right, though. Don’t tell anyone else that, huh, Renny?” His attention stayed tied to the envelope and his tone sounded far away. Goofs didn’t land quite the same from a distance, honestly, but he was intrigued. “Let ol’ Taako know if you need any help, yeah?” Ren laughed and waved him off. He stared down at the envelope as he moved into the living room. Was this from Angus?

He sat down in his chair in the living room and turned it over a few times in his hands. It felt important. He didn’t know if he was quite ready for “important” this early in the morning, but he opened it anyway. The parchment of the letter was soft, and made by practiced hands with good quality. He recognized the unpracticed, messy handwriting immediately.

_ Dear Taako, _

_ Go ahead and sit down. _

_ This may come as absolutely no shock but Barry and I decided to officially tie the old knot, or whatever. I figured you should hear it first. I wanted to do it in a cool, magical way, but that’s a little  _ too _ my style, I guess. It seemed _ (Here there were a few dots of ink, presumably where she held her quill over the paper, thinking.)  _ irreverent. See, Taako, I don’t think a wedding is something we neeeed, per se, but I hope you accept this as my formal request to have you walk me down the aisle and stand by my side. _

_ Like I told you when I asked for your help with the Best Day Ever, you’re my heart. We got each other here, and really, without you I wouldn’t have even met Barry. If you really think about it, you’ve been behind every good thing that ever happened to me. You’ve probably been behind a lot of the bad stuff, but I’m willing to do you a favor and overlook it. _

Taako chuckled with tears welling in his eyes. The letter went on and on about sappy things that she thought she should say, but in his other hand had landed a small card that had been nestled into the letter. It was made of sturdy stock material and had nicer, curling script that clearly wasn’t Lup’s doing. There was a date, a time, and a place, and next to it read, “Please Join Us on the Exact Anniversary of the I.P.R.E.’s Arrival for the Official Union of Mister Barry Bluejeans and Miss Lup, at the Precise Site of Their Landing.”

Taako always had felt out of place, not having a last name like some of these humans or dwarves, but Lup’s name seemed to fit just right next to Barry’s. He had to put the letter down and wipe away some tears for a moment before returning to it.

_ When Barry and I became liches, and you were there, that kind of felt like a wedding. But I guess now that it’s all said and done, that’s just not enough for us. Well, me. I talked him into it. We’ve already got everything worked out, and it won’t be super fancy. Just show up, just like then, okay? _

He read the three fine pages over and over again for the better part of an hour. His sister, totally getting married. He was beaming with pride. The ending got him each and every time.

_ With strongest memories and fondest bonds, _

_ Lup _

“Taako, breakfast’s ready.” Ren had suddenly come up in front of him. He jumped, just a little, but smiled despite himself. Ren cocked her head and tucked a kitchen towel she had been using to dry her hands in her apron. “You got yourself some good reading?”

“Yeah,” he said as he wiped his eyes. “I’m sure you’ll hear about it in a few days, but for now I’m a little sworn to secrecy.” Ren smiled and shrugged.

“Well, okay. Come get yourself some quiche and we can talk about business ideas.”

Taako rose and followed her to the kitchen, but as they dressed up their plates and stole extra slices of bacon and gratuitous helpings of hashbrowns, he paused and really looked at Ren. She seemed so happy, and he was glad to be the one who brought that joy in her life. He felt like a shitty friend nonetheless.

“Hey, Ren?”

“Yep?”

“Let’s skip the business talk today. I feel like I don’t talk to Ren about Ren so much.” As they sat down at the table, she laughed and waved him off with her fork in one hand.

“Ren definitely doesn’t need to talk about Ren that much. I’m good, Ta--”

“No, really, I mean it. What’s your family like?”

They talked for a long time like that, between getting seconds and cleaning together, as the singular sun rose in the blue morning sky. He needed to stop focusing on the sky. The way that the sea looked blue as it reflected, the way people cast one shadow. Sometimes he felt it coming on like this, like his mind was stretching in two directions, breaking in two.

He felt like every “new year” the Starblaster crew had, getting stretched in a thousand directions, thinking that maybe each direction was every timeline that they’d ever crossed, all the times he’d died getting pulled back into himself, every time he’d been left behind, every time he was just a little to the left of where he sat that first day. Magnus’s black eye, a bar fight a century and a decade ago, Lucretia’s dual-wielding of pencils.  _ I’m good out here, guys. _ Every time it was ever said, everything he  _ forgot _ , everything he didn’t, and everything he remembered --  _ Istus, help me the sky is so blue _ ; it wasn’t like that on every world. Some were yellow or green, some were only tree and you couldn’t see the sky from on the ground, so you’d never know.

_ Taako, you  _ are _ my heart; you know that, right? You know that, right? Don’t you? You know that. That can’t be broken, or lost, taken away, so important, so important, it can’t be lost,  _ but it was taken, Lup,  _ she _ took it,  _ Taako, you know that. Taako? Taako. Taako? _

“Taako!” His head snapped up. Someone’s hand was on his shoulder. “Taako? Taako, are you alright?” Ren. Ren, it was Ren. “Hey, it’s okay.”

“Shit, I’m-I’m sorry.” He was on his knees on the floor, hands flat against his ears. Ren’s eyes looked wet. “Sorry, I just got…” lost, he wanted to say. He didn’t want to be heard saying it. But that was how he felt. Whatever that was, it had been happening more and more, too. Sometimes while he slept, even. He wobbled to his feet and braced himself against the counter.

“Was it something I said?”

“No, not at all. I was just, uh, off in thought, you know, the good ol’ gears get to turning.” She squinted when he downplayed it, every time he did, but always let it drop. She cared, but she just didn’t quite know how to. Lup was better at this with him, she thought.

As if they were summoned, someone knocked at the door. Ren insisted on answering it, but as she approached, it was already opening to a well-dressed man.

“Hey, uh, Your Deadliness? Taako’s, uh-”

“Ren, for the millionth time,” he chuckled dryly, “Kravitz is fine. And I figured; I had a bad feeling.”

Taako was barely holding himself together in the living room. Kravitz flew to him with strong, resolute steps and in one motion scooped him into his arms and held him close. He knew that face. Ren, for lack of anything better to do, decided to take a very long walk. Letting Taako prep lunch might leave him feeling a little better, and she figured that Taako would be more willing to talk about… whatever that was with Kravitz. They pretended not to watch her go, but she felt the corners of their eyes on her in the thick silence that she waded through to get through the front door, that she felt almost like she had to shout through, “I’m gonna go check out the market, be back later!” Stiff, noncommittal, flat-handed waves fanned her goodbye.

“Are you okay? I don’t know, I just, I had this awful feeling--”

“You get those too much,” Taako said, trying to smile, but his eyes just weren’t following. He bore knowledge that he worried Kravitz into knots with his issues.

“Knowing you has made me worrisome,” Kravitz half-joked back. “But it isn’t without cause.” Taako knew. He just buried himself back in the crook of Kravitz’s neck and let himself be held tight. Kravitz didn’t ask him to talk. He just kept him close. Taako’s warmth sometimes felt burning against his skin, a little bit wrong, like he wasn’t meant to touch the living, but by the goodness of the Raven Queen, here he had him. Here they had each other. Light was streaming into the kitchen by way of the paneled breakfast nook, windows shaped in reference to the Bureau of Benevolence, a constant reminder.

“It feels like that’s always been the sky, you know? Getting everything back, it feels…  _ right _ ,” Taako murmured so softly his voice was breaking. “But it feels new. It feels like, uh… Jesus.” He had explained the feeling so many times, but he still hadn’t explained it  _ right _ .

It felt like he was two people trying to remember the same thing two different ways. He didn’t feel like a conversation, he felt like an argument. That splitting feeling, it was ripping him in two, or maybe three. But what was the third option? There always was one, right?

“So,” he continued, “That’s the right… the right sky. But it’s wrong.” The phrase “cognitive dissonance” didn’t even begin to cover it. “Like, uh. Like thinking that two and two is four your whole life, but someone just. Reaches in your fuckin’ head one day and puts the number three in, so you think that-”  _ Ugh. Not that one. Not right.  _ “Shit,” he breathed. He wasn’t doing so great, and he was admitting it, in his way.

“It’s okay, Taako.”

“Except, you know it’s not, right? You know that?” Kravitz sighed and scooped him up at the knee, holding him tight, and brought him into the living room. He toed off his shoes, sat them down on the couch, Taako’s head nestled on his stomach, and combed through Taako’s loose hair with his fingers. He gently picked out knots here and there formed in his nighttime tossing and turning, while his knees cradled him safely on either side.

“Take a few deep breaths.” Taako did his best. Kravitz’s voice was smooth and sweet like creme fraiche. “It…” He searched for the words. “It wasn’t okay when Lup told you she was becoming a lich, right? You were horrified.” Taako nodded. “But now?”

“Now… it’s, uh. It’s not great, my dude.”

“Not great, no. But it’s okay, right?” Kravitz was still brushing through Taako’s hair, but they were both silent while Taako ruminated on it.

“Yeah, it’s alright, I guess. It’s okay.”

“Think of any shitty moment you thought it wasn’t going to be okay.”

“I’d rather not.”

“Just one.” Kravitz’s fingers moved under Taako’s chin to tilt his face back up toward him. “In that moment, Taako, you thought the world was crashing around you.” His eyes were deeper than living eyes, calm, post-storm seas that were just  _ made _ to draw you in. Eyes that told you it was okay, it was your time to let go peacefully. They calmed him more often than not. Taako opened his mouth to say something, maybe, but Kravitz gently rubbed his thumbs over Taako’s cheeks. “It wasn’t, Taako.”  _ Say my name one more time.  _ “But even if that were the case, it would just be one more of a myriad others that did the same, and there you still stand. You’re a miracle, Taako.”

“I love you.” He brought his hands up to rest on Kravitz’s. It was true. He did. So much. When Kravitz smiled down at him and returned the words, he felt them vibrate from Kravitz’s throat into Taako’s own skull, and shiver down his spine to his knees. Kravitz loved Taako not just with his whole heart, but both of their whole bodies. It was a feeling more indescribable than the blue sky. “Thanks. I feel, uh. I feel a little better.”

“I’m glad.”

It was too early to take a nap, and too early to start making lunch, so they just sat like that, and talked about other things, and stole kisses from each other as they talked. 

“I guess I just-” Taako sighed. “I want to trust Lucy, she’s family and all that jazz, and I just, I don’t  _ have _ a lot of that like some of these other chucklefucks. Merle’s got kids.  _ Kids _ , that’s like,  _ prime family real estate _ right there.” He looked up at Kravitz’s soft expression. “I- I’m not saying that your Taako here is exactly a kids person, per fuckin’ se, but the gist of the matter’s there and glaring. Magnus had an entire wife and like a million dogs… So yeah, she’s my kids and my million dogs and crap, but I’m-”

“You’re scared of her, Taako.”

“Well… that staff is pretty powerful, yeah, but I’m not worried that crotchety Madam Director there is gonna blast my sack.”

“Fear doesn’t have to be a physical thing.” Kravitz knew a lot about fear. “I think a part of you is scared of all the dreams you have, and the flashbacks and et cetera, and I think you put entirely too much of that directly on her.”

“Too much?” Taako’s ears and nose felt  _ so  _ hot. He felt his blood pressure rise just the slightest. He wanted Kravitz to bring him back down.

“How did she know it was going to hurt you like that?”

“How’d she know it wasn’t?” Taako defended himself entirely too fast. 

“On the Day of Story and Song, I heard and felt how… concerned she was for all of you, I wish I were sorry, Taako.” Yes. “I know you heard it. And I know you must remember firsthand now the pain she saw in you all. She couldn’t bear seeing her family go through that, and, Taako, you’re a huge hypocrite if you think you wouldn’t have done the exact same thing to save them.” Yeowch. Kravitz delivered his coup de grace with an arrowlike swiftness and a cold whisky smooth. He kissed the top of his head.

A long silence followed. He was right. 

“I’m gonna make lunch, you hungry?” It wasn’t so much a genuine question as it was noise to break the silence. The sun was high. The market wasn’t that big. There was lunch to be made.

Midday passed too quietly. It passed lazily. Faerun was just a touch too hot and the only place to be into the later afternoon hours was inside, at least til the temperatures started to dip down again. Kravitz had decided to stay for lunch, and Ren had nowhere else to excuse herself to, so they lounged in the golden light quietly, playing card games and discussing dinner, and Kravitz are you staying here tonight?  _ Please _ say you are, except it was asked with his eyes and not his mouth because he hated Ren knowing how desperate for connection he was. That, and she might have made some gross conclusions. Taako’s hair had somehow wound up twisted and piled unceremoniously on top of his head to keep it off of his neck and out of the food, and the braid still wasn’t working out for him. He just wasn’t feeling himself.

“ _ Taako? _ ” There was a familiar voice from the next room over. “ _ Come in, Taako? _ ” Taako let a cookbook levitate open to the page he was considering for dinner. He wanted to ignore it, so so badly. Kravitz gave him a stern look over his book. With a resigned sigh, Taako abandoned his recipes to retrieve a smooth grey stone, one politely and forcefully re-issued to him after his previous one had been crushed.

“Yeah, I’m here, Lucretia.” He tried and failed to keep the emotional fatigue out of his voice.

“ _ Sorry, is this a bad time? _ ” Wasn’t it fuckin’ always?

“Uh, no, no. It’s fine. We were just thinking about dinner.”

“ _ You and Ren, yes? _ ” She sounded nervous. What gave?

“And Kravitz.”

“ _ Oh, well…  _ “ He was reminded of their younger days, when she was a shy and talented chronicler. Now she is the most terrifying woman and spellcaster he’s ever known. Stately didn’t mix with what he remembered very well. He felt like ripping again. Keep it together. “ _ I was wondering, Taako. _ ”

“Yes?”

“ _ I apologize for asking so late, but would you like to come over to the Bureau for dinner? Kravitz and Ren could come, too. _ ” Taako looked back into the kitchen where Kravitz was still eyeing him with the same, stony warning written in his body language. “ _ I just want to catch up. It’s been a while. _ ” Even Taako couldn’t miss the sadness in her voice. She was worried, scared. Taako figured that she probably should be.

“Wh- uh, yeah, sure. You know, we uh. We really couldn’t agree on anything, anyway, so if you’ve got plans or something… That’d be… great.” Kravitz nodded once in approval and returned to his book. “I’ll let ‘em know.”

“ _ Really? _ ” Against his best efforts, Taako felt a corner of his heart warm at her excitement. “ _ Wonderful. The meal itself likely won’t be until a few hours from now, but you’re welcome to come whenever you like. No need to dress up. _ ”

Taako was anxious, he wouldn’t deny it. However, an equal part of him had missed her as much as the part that had wanted to avoid her. His friend. One of his best, actually. He called into the next room to alert Ren as to the change of plans, and she was, of course, delighted. She’d been begging to go to the “moon” for months now, only to be shot down by Taako’s annoyed, twitchy, anxious attitude. And now, she’s even being invited to a dinner party.  _ Lavish _ .

Dinner party it was not, party over dinner, it certainly turned out to be. The Director had really dressed it down in what amounted to practically a white undergown, leaving the other three feeling fairly overdressed in their usuals - Taako had on a fine, mint-colored cape and a thin shirt breezy and billowing enough for the summer evening’s warmth, and Kravitz’s only sacrifice of cooling, casual dressing had been to remove his jacket and roll his sleeves. Ren had picked up the finer points of dressing nicely from Taako’s (frequent) passing critiques, but had opted for a light-colored, light-woven summer dress. It was a faint contrast to the quick eye, but embarrassing as the end of the world to Taako’s keen sense.

“I told you what I  _ was _ wearing would’ve been fine, see?” Ren nudged her mentor as they walked in.

“I see that now, but it’s too late to go back home,” he replied through a gritted smile.

“Hush, both of you. It’s not important.”

“It’s important to  _ me _ , Kravitz.” Kravitz just laughed at him warmly. Lucretia had noticed their arrival, and greeted them quite literally with open arms.

“It’s so good to see you all.” Even in her simple cotton dress, she exuded grace and gravitas. How privileged Taako felt to know her and have her respect. Privileged? Fuck that, he was  _ Taako from motherfuckin’ TV _ . People were privileged to know him. Especially Lucretia.

“Hail, well-met, all that shit. How are you?” She took his hand with both of hers. They were shaking, just in the slightest; she thought he might not have noticed, so he pretended not to.

“Wonderful, even better now you’re here. The mess hall staff is still working, but I had them whip up a few appetizers in case you were feeling peckish. It’s been too long.” Yeah, Lucy. He looked her up and down as she turned back toward the large dining table; it was like he was seeing her for the first time, again… again. It struck something deep in him. Why did he keep avoiding her? He felt a hand on his bicep.

“Alright?” Kravitz’s voice was quiet, gentle, and understanding, but firm. He had been teaching Taako a lot about admitting things. Pain, fear, happiness, desire. This was not a learning moment.

“Uh.” It was an admission despite himself, in spite of himself. He wanted to curse himself for letting it slip, especially like that. Yes or no would have been fine. Yes, Kravitz, I am fine. Thankfully, he responded with a soft kiss to Taako’s braid-adorned temple and a pat on his arm.

“Take a breath. She is excited to see you, indulge her.” His hand moved to Taako’s back, a support and constant reminder that he was always there to fall back on, but that he certainly wouldn’t need to. Taako felt guilty. It showed in his eyebrows for just a moment while he calculated his smile and stepped away from Kravitz’s social training wheels to join Lucretia at the table. She had a few papers laid out, getting a bit of work done even in her leisure time. Lazy as he liked to think himself, he admired that about her.

Taako struck up conversation. He turned it on like a light switch, easy as a hot knife through thin air, but he felt several degrees removed, like watching from the Ethereal Plane. They talked through dinner about nothing consequential, and Taako figured she was happy enough to catch up and reminisce, and then Ren had to ask.

“Where’s everyone else? You heard from Magnus lately? Or Merle?” Lucretia’s smile faltered, but didn’t fade as she lowered her fork.

“They’re both difficult to get a hold of these days. Almost everyone is, except Angus. He drops by to help out sometimes.”  _ Oh, shit. _ Taako had to take a large bite to keep his head from snapping over. He was the only one who’d answered. Magnus, he knew, was busy these days with all those goddamned dogs. Merle hardly even answered anyone. Lup and Barry were off enjoying life, undeath, and everlasting lichdom together, and Davenport hardly ever docked on their side of Faerun anymore, but sent like a million postcards. He noticed one of those postcards was sitting square on top of all her paperwork in a simple, thin frame.

She must be so lonely.

Taako’s chest started to clench. He was holding so much against his friend, who was already being punished by karma, or Istus, or whoever and whatever controlled shit like that. She didn’t deserve his additional ire. He exchanged a glance with Kravitz and Ren while she went on about Angus and his upcoming teaching position, his studies and dissertations, theories, postcards she’d gotten from Davenport and places she thought she’d very much like to go. If she noticed, she didn’t say anything. After dinner, Taako took her by the elbow and asked if they could talk, just the two of them together.

“Hey, Lucy, let’s ditch these wet blankets and sneak off for a drink.” She could only laugh and indulge him, though she knew it wasn’t really much of a good sneak. She’d caught the other two waving Taako on, and his few faltering steps as he approached her, but she humored him.

They settled into soft chairs in her office and from under her desk Lucretia retrieved a tall, slim bottle of strong and sweet elven liqueur that perfectly matched the cooling summer night’s breeze that drifted in through the windows she opened.

“What’s wrong, Taako?” Lucretia asked as she filled small glasses for the both of them.

“Nothing! I’m glad we’re getting this chance to hang out. Chill. Shoot the old breeze.” His smile was tight in return.

“I know you,” she warned, though still smiling. “So what is going on?” The tone didn’t fit her flowy dress. Taako removed his cape and sat it to his side as he sank further back into the chair. He looked like a very casual cornered animal.

“Nothing…  _ new _ , exactly.” He knew he was about to tread on thin ice. He knocked back the glass in its entirety and was glad to find Lucretia had refilled it immediately. “Thanks. So, uh. I’m gonna level with you; things haven’t been, uh. Great.” She nodded sagely and sipped at her drink. She’d always been an excellent listener. He still felt strange saying “had always been”. It felt more like he should be saying, “I heard she’s a great listener”. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and finished his second drink. She didn’t refill it this time, but didn’t stop him when he did so himself. “Since Story and Song, I don’t… I don’t sleep so great. Actually I don’t do, uh, awake so well, either.” Lucretia further knitted her brows.

“Nightmares?”

“Yes and no, I guess. Sometimes I look at things, and they just-” He sighed and shook his head. “I mean, I remember the Starblaster. I remember it all, doy.” She nodded. “But it also… feels like I’ve, always, uh, been… here.  _ And _ there. It’s like when someone paints over a painting, but they don’t really cover it all. I just, I feel like… I’m splitting down the goddamned middle.”

“Taako, I’m so sorr-”

“I don’t really need an apology anymore, Lucy.” He didn’t mean to say that. He hadn’t really meant to say anything; it was just reflexive. And it was as much an admission to himself as it was to her. “I… You did great. It wasn’t…  _ good _ , but under pressure, it was fuckin’ extraordinary.” He was probably imagining that the alcohol was helping, but better the imagination than just going boldly and soberly forth. “I forgive  _ the fuck _ out of you.”

She stared down into her empty glass and began to pour herself another drink. When she put the bottle back down, her hand moved up to rest over her heart.

“I… Taako, thank you,” she said through a small chuckle. She wiped away a single tear that had managed to escape, but she didn’t apologize for crying. It was a happy tear. A little painful, but mostly happy. Taako put his hand out for her, and she took it gratefully. “You have no idea… how much I appreciate that.”

“You’ve always been too hard on yourself. Quit that and have another fuckin’ drink, and let’s stop all this mushy, cutesy shit so we can just…” Just what? “Get back to being a gods-damned family. Alright? And don’t you worry your little head about everyone else, I’ll personally drag them back for Candlenights, or whatever holiday you want, if that’s what it takes.” She squeezed his hand and knocked back her drink.

“Fuck yeah.”

In the weeks following, Taako made good on his promise. If nothing else, it got him out of bed. He made personal visits to the crew of the Starblaster to make sure they made absolutely no other plans for Candlenights, and dropped heavy, heavy hints that Lucretia’s birthday was coming up.

Davenport was harder to get in touch with. It took a lot of tracking and divination magic, because he never stayed in one place for long, but with Kravitz’s help it wasn’t too long before the two of them apparated onto the deck of his ship with a well-timed “Ahoy, Cap’n!” and a shout of surprise from Davenport.

And, of course, Taako made sure to give them all the lecture of their lives to make sure they all met up at  _ least _ twice a year. He just could  _ not _ spend his life not knowing how much better than all of them he was doing. (Or so he said.) Things were good. Not great, but given what they had, it was extraordinary, and certainly more than others had.

Lucretia let out a tiny yelp of joy when she was woken one day as usual, but upon dressing and exiting her room, she was greeted with the hugest breakfast spread she’d ever seen, Taako and Lup’s smiles gleaming as they stood admiring their work. Seated on either side of them were her friends, eagerly awaiting her and 

“What… Taako, Lup, what is this?” She had tried to regain her composure, but she was grinning so wide that her cheeks were turning pink. With a snap of her fingers, Lup conjured a tiny candle stuck in the topmost muffin in a basket toward the middle of the table, which Taako then lit.

“Happy birthday, Lucretia,” Lup said before running around the table to give her a huge hug. “We wanted to give you something special, from all of us, so here’s Taako’s and my present. There’s waaay more coming.”

“It’s my birthday?”

“You mean, you actually forgot?” Davenport was so surprised he had nearly shouted. “This is unacceptable.” Lup looked like she could cry.

“I guess so. And you all remembered?”

“Hell yeah we did,” Taako nodded and picked up the candle-impaled muffin. “Now come make your wish, and make it good.”

She came over and blew out the candle, but unbeknownst to them, she had a clear mind and not a wish in sight; it had already been granted. Lucretia had been so tired of being alone. She had begged in the night for forgiveness, for remembering, for her friends. And even if this was just for now, for an hour or for a day, there was a real shift in the narrative of her life. Damned be forgetting, damned be forgetfulness, and blessed be this motherfucking crew. She couldn’t stop the laughter that followed, nor the tears, and wouldn’t have changed the moment for the world.

She ate the damn muffin. With her family.

“Oh, Lucretia? I meant to ask: you’re totally being my bridesmaid, right? Addendum: you literally cannot say no.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> When I started writing this, I thought this was going to be like, 900 words and I had no direction except "Taakitz H/C". Whoops. Even though it wasn't what I had planned, I hope you enjoyed it because I know I loved writing it. I promise that at some point there will be some _serious_ Taakitz action.


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